Loving you is complicated, but I rather remain with you while you piss me off, than for our happiness to forever be, just a memory.
In life, there is a balance of good and bad. You can’t have the good without having the bad, you can’t have sunshine without a little rain, in a pile of good apples, there’s at least one that’s spoiled. These are all metaphors that each of us has had our share of experiencing in our lives. The key to enjoy life as it brings both the good and the bad, is to not let that one bad apple stop you from your satisfactory of all the good ones.

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The good and bad principle applies heavily in relationships, whether the relationships is a friendship or an intimate one. Just as much as there are good times, there will be bad times which has an actual purpose of testing the persons involved in the relationship, faith for one another.

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It can be difficult. There may come a time when you cannot stand the person you are involved with and you even start to question why the hell did you even get involved with them in the first place. Perhaps there is a situation going on with you right now as you are reading this. You may even call it cliche if I tell you the best way to resolve a current aggravating situation, is to remember how it was before the feelings that you feel now, came into existence. Well, think about it this way, there was once a time when the things that bother you now, had no control over your emotions yet they still existed, you just didn’t think of them as a problem.
When it rains it pours, and we’re all miserable. When the sun shines, we’re happy, and we forget that it even rained.

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Nobody likes to stand in the rain, as soon as we start to feel the piglet drops on our head, we flee for shelter and dare not to go back outside, we say, “I’ll return when it’s clear.” Oh how alive is this in most relationships today, when many of us flee from our person as soon as we feel a peck of discomfort or dissatisfaction. I know, it doesn’t seem to be so easy to maintain your love when on the balance scale,during the moment at hand, the good is outweighed by the bad. The problem there is the thought that, anything worth having or valued is achieved easily. The fault in many of us is in that wrong inquiry.
It is quite understandable though, why we tend to flee when unpredictable situations start raining down on our relationships, because we’re so used to the joyfulness we were having, that when a relationship has arrived at its troubled times, we immediately forget how to love.
We forget to understand. We forget to consider the feelings of the other person. We forget about all the things we seen and felt about the other person, before they became seriously involved in our lives, the times when their presence alone whether physically or virtually, gave us butterflies. Being this forgetful, may land us in a predicament which won’t acknowledge until it becomes something we regret, such as loosing the person from our lives completely.
Here’s how to avoid this:
  • Allow idle time for the heat to wine down.
  • Be still and calm your own thoughts, so that you may consciously plan out what you’re going to say with consideration for how it’s going to affect the current situation, before you speak.
  • Before you acknowledge to the other person of their own flaws, look at your own. Recognize what you should have done vs. what you shouldn’t have done, and bring that to conversation.
  • Repel yourself from making judgement.
  • Discuss the problems along with possible solutions.
  • Do not fall victim to peer pressure of those who speak against the longevity of your relationship.
  • Think of something to say, like a happy memory, that will make the both of you smile.
  • Understand the other persons frustration.
  • Plan out together, a right action to both avoid a similar situation, and a plan of action to avoid things that may create similar feelings that was brewed upon the current conflict.
  • Go out for ice cream.
And it’s quite simple. We’re all human beings therefore we all have emotions and we’re all going to have to deal with conflict, the task is to not let the conflict, whatever it is, ruin you and what you love.
For the next time it rains…

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Just take out your umbrella.

The things she says, but you don’t hear

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I understand you.

I know that you’re trying, it’s just that I’m still recovering.

I just want to make sure that you’re not like the rest of them.

There is no wall, I’m just seeing how far you will go for me.

I know you didn’t do it, I just like hearing you prove the naysayers in my mind wrong.

I have to make sure that you don’t confuse me with what society proclaims me as.

It’s not that I think I’m right all the time, I just need you to start respecting me as someone you can think with, and not treat me as if I’m someone on the opposing team.

I’m sorry for the way I talk to you. I hate my past for making me hate you before I even knew you.

So many men failed before you, and I wish they never came before you.

It’s not that I’m crazy, or that I’m overreacting, or I’m choosing to be jealous, but when you respond to her, I start to wonder if she’s really God’s plan for you.

I want to give you the world, I just need to see that you’d be willing to do the same.

At times I feel very low, your inspiration matters.

If you cried, I wouldn’t think you were weak. I’d be satisfied to know that you know what feelings feel like.

We live in a world where True Love is not respected, and I’m afraid our control, to the control of those forces.

I really want you, I just don’t want you to take advantage of me. My biggest fear is being wrong.

The Things he says, but you don’t hear

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I understand you, I just need you to understand me

I know that what you’re saying is true, I just like to hear you remind me that you’re not like what society says about you.

I just want to be sure that you’re truly like no other girl.

Your responses to some of the things I say, decide the way I respond to you.

Sometimes I don’t know if you love me or if you hate me.
I really don’t want to leave you, but sometimes I feel like separation would be the only thing that helps us both. But I really don’t want to go.

My biggest fear is losing you. Just wish that my tongue was brave enough to tell you, as brave as it is to lie to you.

I feel like I’m competing with everyone who wants you, even those who don’t want you yet, that’s why I do so much to you & for you.

I get aggravated, feeling like I have to compete for you, so I like it when you remind me that you’re mine.

Thoughts of someone else with you, inspires me to keep loving you.

I want to marry you, but my fear is divorce.

My biggest fear is losing your soul to the worlds pleasures, you becoming too bored with mine.

I hate arguing in public, I hate us looking like we’re defeated.

There are times when I feel very low, I don’t show you because the last thing I want you to see in me is weakness.

I really want you, but you’ll think that I just want to take advantage of you, and that I have pre-plans of departure. My biggest fear is never being able to prove you wrong.

My biggest fear is…..

Anxious… can’t relax. Steady worried.
I need you, like you need my mind. I feed you, and you eat my time.
Constantly checking status updates and gram comments. Nothing looks out of the ordinary now, but you have this feeling which you call intuition, and you just know something wrong is bound to happen. You just waiting for it to be in existence.
Would you take my woes, if I gave you my soul?
Patiently waiting, watching minutes move up to hours. You focus your energy on it, you think about it, you always asking questions that you already know are potential argument makers.
Let me see, just show it to me, I can’t sleep, baby I need em. Answers.
You say you just want em for clarity. You tell God to fall back, and let the devil get up on you….
I rather death because that heartbeat, can’t be real, it just don’t, give me life. I just want to know if it’s really mine, alright?
Ok, he said he’s loyal, she said she’s loyal to me. That’s it, that’s all I needed, I just got to believe him. Wait.. Stop it! These voices in my head, they killing me. What you trying to say? That he’s lying to me? But he swore to me? Ok, well I’ll try it again.
Now I’m anxious again, can’t relax, again I’m worried. Back to checking status updates and gram comments, still nothing looks out of the ordinary. Still this, feeling that I have inside, you know they call it the devils tuition. Even when something is right, he tells you you’re wrong, and that something painful is bound to happen. Like a fool I’m, patiently waiting, watching minutes move up to hours. I feel like the only reason that I believe I’m being deceived is, because I’m thinking about it. So I go back to asking him questions. “Give me your phone, passwords to everything, just show it to me, I need my answers.” Then another argument happens. This time he’s had enough, he packs his things then said to me, “you rather kill a relationship, because you have doubts that it’s real. No matter how much true love I give to you, it’s still not enough for your life. You need consistent reminders, and an imagination to fulfill. I’ll still be there for you, but I can’t be here with you. I hope one day you’ll be able to see, the love that I had for you.”
Ok, so what’s next? He’s gone and I guess my worries are too, so now it’s just me and you. Hello?… Hello? Say something! Hello?… Oh, you left me too.
While you’re looking for a reason to be hurt, to feel pain, someone is just looking for someone to hold them, a reason to feel love, and be a part of it too.

First off, I would like to say that the Black Girls Rock event last night on April 5th was beautiful, and our first lady, Michelle Obama, delivered a beautiful speech. Yet, there was one thing off about the event to me. It was Ciara performing her song ‘I Bet’. Now, I’m not saying that she cannot sing or that it wasn’t a beautiful song because, indeed it was and she is indeed a great singer. My issue is that she chose to sing that particular song at the event. With the event’s theme being to uplift young black girls and women, and to show what black women represent, I do not believe that this particular song of sorrow was appropriate. I do not believe that her singing about how she was abused (mentally & emotionally) by a black man, and the separation of a black couple due to a black man who wasn’t able to treat his woman right, was appropriate for entertaining the ears of the many young black girls who were both present at the event, and watching at home. It’s definitely not the type of noise I want my daughter hearing, and you shouldn’t either. Don’t we have enough of these songs already?
Now, before I go any further, I would like to make clear that this is not a post bashing the singer, but a post simply clarifying that as a black man, I’ve had enough of our people adding the fuel to the fire against black people, by speaking more highly on how our relationships don’t work, vs how they do.
I am an advocate for BLACK LOVE because the media is a very strong advocate for black separation. The music, “Reality Shows” such as Love & Hip Hop, and shows like Empire & The Game. You just can’t see a black couple get it right. Marriages never last, and relationships never last long for marriage. And who needs enemy’s when we promote these things ourselves?
I thought about the young daughters and the young sons who were watching this show as well as those in the crowd. No matter where they go or what channel they flip to, they are bound to hear something negative about their own people more so are they are to hear something positive.Now I’ll say this once again, Black Girls Rock was an amazing event, it was beautiful, but children pick up on the smallest thing quick, and they are more interested in figuring out the why’s to a negative, than a positive.
The ceremony should have stayed strict on being an event that promotes black women and the love they bring. For themselves, for their children, and to their husbands.
I mentioned my opinion on Ciara’s performance last night on instagram and someone tried to argue with me, saying that I was overreacting my opinion.She said, “Black men hurt black women everyday. I applaud Ciara. She revealed the naked truth.”
“Is the “naked truth” not revealed enough?” I asked her. It’s shown well enough on all forms of media, especially social media. It’s actually shown too much. So wait a minute.. What is the naked truth? That a black woman can’t be with a black man without him hurting her some way? That a black woman is a subject to a black mans wrath? That a black man is incapable of fully and truly loving his black woman? Yes it’s true, we live in a huge world and a black woman is hurt by a black man everyday as well as a black man is hurt by a black woman everyday. But here are some other truths. White men hurt white women everyday. Asian men hurt Asian women everyday. Hispanic men hurt Hispanic women everyday. But guess what gets shown on TV, and in music everyday, black men hurting black women, EVERYDAY.
This is why I made TruLovExists, to show the other side that does not get seen that often, and does not get as much publicity. 
We get it now, this happens.

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We know what goes on in our homes. 
But can we put out more of the image of this…

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To our children.
TruLove, Black Love, ladies & gentlemen no matter what they try to tell you, it does EXIST.

There is a kid at my school whom I am mentoring. He’s 18 years old and the problem that he faces is the lack of self-confidence. He doesn’t believe in himself, and when he identifies a woman that he finds attractive, he freezes up and doesn’t know how to make his approach. For example, one day at our school library he had his eyes on this Hispanic girl. He along with his friends, were discussing in how he should approach. The boy was nervous, sweating bullets. I played the watcher in this scenario. I heard a lot of “how’s” and “I can’ts”. I watched and listened as these guys were telling him all these inspiring things like,

“Don’t worry about anything, just go up and make conversation.”

“Approach her with a compliment.”

“Say something that will make her interested in a convo with you.”

Meanwhile, I’m studying him and this guy doesn’t look like he’d even enjoy a convo with himself. Now if that’s what I’m picking up as an observer, imagine what the girl will pick up as soon as he approaches. She would immediately feel his timid energy.

Here’s what I found interesting about the situation. One of his friends decided that they’ll go and approach the girl and while they’d make conversation, my friend here should then join in. The plan was obvious. One friend approach the girl, then he would go and greet his friend as if it’s their first time seeing each other for the day, followed by the friend introducing the girl and him, which would then be followed by the friends leave. I thought to myself, “this guy has some good & clever friends.

So the plan went to action. When it was time for my guy to make his move over to where his friend and the girl was, he did, but once he did, he just stood. All he did was just stand there for about 8 minutes and said & did nothing besides a greeting gesture to his friend. All awhile he just stood beside the girl. I could imagine her feeling awkward and began to get an ugly feeling of embarrassment for this young man. Inside I was crying for his aid. The rest of his friends made it known aloud that they too, were hurting inside. It didn’t take too long for the friend to realize that it was quite long enough for my guy to have come up with a decent conversation, and left him to take over the conversation. So he did, and so it began.

We watched anxiously as if waiting for the next scene in a horror flick after a woman decided to go against all laws of common sense and open the door to where she heard screams. *facepalm*.

I paid attention the responses of her body language during the conversation. It was clear to she that she either felt uncomfortable, or just wasn’t interested and was waiting for him to leave her a lone. “This guy needs to learn the signs.” I said to myself. Once it was realized that their meeting had come to a conclusion, I watched him get up with disappointment as a makeup on his face. When he arrived back to us, I spoke to him. I told him about the signs she was giving off that was clearly telling him that whatever he was trying to say wasn’t working, and all of the areas where he went wrong. I spoke to him about my blog and his friends recommended that he take some lessons from me. He agreed to become my student, and I agreed to be his teacher.

Now, this is a very nice guy and also quite funny. He knows how to joke on himself as well as laugh along with others who may joke on him, showing that it doesn’t bother him. Although he spoke of being comfortable with his own appearance, his actions did not reflect that. So I asked him,

“Why are you afraid to approach a female?”

He responded.

“Idk.”

“What you mean you don’t know? what is it that makes you so repellant?” I asked him.

Then he said.

“I guess I see the guys that are around these women, and I know I’m not that. I see who they like to talk to and the things they like to do, and I’m not that. I’m not their type. So it’s hard for me to find something to say that they’ll relate to”

Then I understood his situation even more. He was afraid of the women he was attracted to. Although he desired these women, he felt inferior to him. Although he claimed to be comfortable being the type of guy he is, he didn’t feel that type of guy was deserving for women. So I said to him.

“Maybe the women who you so consistently want to go after, are actually not your type, rather than you not being their type. You’re putting yourself below these women as though you’re not man enough to be well, a man! That’s like a sin to the father. Listen, you’re idolizing forced attraction. Which means, you’re just going after what makes all men turn heads. one thing you need to understand about these women, they know that they’re attractive so they know when all eyes are on them. With that being, they intentionally make it difficult for any man to approach them and off gate they will challenge any man that does. They feel as if they can tame men and make men shiver by their looks, but what you’ll never hear from their mouths is that they want a man who can conquer that. Your appearance speaks aloud shyness and timidness, which is the first thing that they sense from afar when they look at you and even more when you approach them. And for that, you immediately fail with them.”

Here’s my instruction to the men who lack confidence in themselves & are afraid of women.

Fear is a devil within self, that you must learn to defeat. It is the only thing that keeps you from success in anything that you pursue. It is the only cause of your failure. You have the spirit of God in you. You must seek to identify your inner self to become one with this self. Once you’ve accomplish this, you’ll become confident and know that all what you fear is actually inferior to you. Man who lacks confident in self, is in danger of be consumed till his death-bed, by the image of a person who he is not. Out loud he speaks of his happiness and surety of himself, but pay close attention to an unconfident mans words and you will know that he truly cries of misery within himself. They often stutter and the “truth” never appears the same twice. Men, if you know you have troubles with being comfortable enough to embrace your true selves in the world and to the people in it, do not be afraid to seek aid. Talk to friends and family members. There is mentorship, there are books such as “The Spirit of A Man” IyanlaVanzant, and there is the bible (mans best go-to for instruction).

Women want a confident man. A man who is both confident in his words, and confident enough to stand by her side. Dear quiet man, women respond to the loud man because she feels at least she can hear his words and is glad that he is bold enough bring himself before her. This is what you must do. Show the women who you are without having any doubt in self of who you are, no matter how beautiful she appears to be. For what may look beautiful on the inside, may not be as much of a precious jewel on the inside. Influence yourself to want to learn about women, especially the ones whose appearance you idolize. Then rather you being in fear of what she may ask of you, you can be the one who comes with the questions. Women love a man who shows interest in her. Conversation will then flow smoothly afterward.

Take the responsibility of a man, and do not act as a child. A man is brave, a man is strong, man is not afraid, a man goes after what he desires and man conquers.

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I Believe in You SpongeBob!

How do you have sex without having to sacrifice your time or your money, and without having to be committed to the other person?

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Well you find someone you think is attractive and you say, “Hey, you want to be friends?” And if they say yes you say, “Ok great! And how about we add some benefits to that?”
Or what about if you already have a friend who you’re attractive to and you’ve been secretly thinking about having sex with this person for a while now but never dared to take that approach? You hit them up with a text saying “hey, wassup. So I’ve been thinking and… I think it’s time that we step up our friendship and make it beneficial, if you catch my drift.”
Now, there are 2 ways that this can go for each situation.
1. Your new friend could think that you’re an absolute creep and may either slap you or give you a “WTF” look and then walk away. Or…
2. They may find you attractive as well, and having someone to just mess around with may also be with their looking for. If so, congrats to you, and enjoy your fling for however long It may last.
But what about your friend that’s already a friend?
1. You may never get a response and your proposal will be the last message you ever see in that conversation. Either that or they may brush it off with a few “LOL’s”, or simply say, “not happening”, and will try to safely assume that you’re drunken texting. You’ve been curved either way.
I couldn't resist!
HAHA I couldn’t resist!
I Just couldn’t resist with that one! But Back to it.
2. You could be lucky. Your friend may have had these same feelings all along but just like you, they never said anything. Or maybe this txt just made them think about it and they’re willing to sign the contract. The Friends with benefits contract.
Here are the rules and regulations that go along with this contract.
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1. You must understand that the two of you are friends, not boyfriend and girlfriend. The word relationship is found nowhere in the FWB Contract besides when it’s assuring you not to have one.
2. It’s just sex, that’s all it is. Rough, ass smacking, fantasy fulfilling, 50 shades of Grey if you’re brave, sex. Go all out! Make love once, and you fuck it all up.
3. None of that, “What’s your favorite color?” “What’s your favorite restaurant?” and “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Type of questions and discussions. This is the type of conversations that mixes up emotions and messes with people’s heads into believing that something that’s not going to be, will be in the perhaps, near future. It makes the other person involved think; this is a pathway to a relationship, not a FWB situation.

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But is it really just a FWB situation? What’s the one thing we can neither control nor avoid? Feelings and emotions. Once they come, you must make a decision on what you’re going to do with these feelings, and if your decision can be backed up with enough strength to handle whatever outcome.
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First off, why do women agree to a FWB contract in the first place? It’s not in a woman’s nature to just have sex with someone she has no type of feelings or interests for, and then to keep having sex without getting emotionally involved. Women are not like us men. We can have sex with a person today, probably another person that same night, and move on to a new name tomorrow. Sad to say but the truth is the truth; we can be savages, but not her. No, if a woman does come across as a savage, there’s a man behind her actions. Either she’s been severely hurt before and trying to pay back an ex with revenge by using her body, or maybe she has never had a man in her life and is searching for that figure the only way she learned how, or she has a lack of funds and there’s a man aiding her lifestyle with a catch. It’s never just the woman.
Still, why the agreement to FWB? Well, if it isn’t to get back at an ex or that she’s never had a real man in her life to teach her better, then it’s not really a FWB contract for her, she’s just letting you believe that. “What? I just knew it! I knew that it was too good to be true.” Indeed it is.
Come on guys! Women are emotional creatures, their nature is to love and cater to their man, not just fuck around and not catch any emotions. No matter what they try to convince you. If she consistently texts you before booty call hours and you have lengthy conversations which do not concern her being horny or sex in general, but rather conversations which would be held if you were courting each other, she’s not here just for the sex bro. The shark… is on the hunt!
So what do you do? YOU RUN! Lol, no, well, that could be an option. But anyway, you must pay attention to the signs of attachment. If FWB is really want you want, then you would have to do what it takes to make sure she never see’s you as boyfriend material. Be an asshole. Yeah, that means you cannot respond to every single text, offer her a shot, not juice, and get familiar with one line responses. In no such way can you portray the nice guy image because then, you would look more dateable than just a late night fuck.
Listen brothers, although the whole idea of having sex with no strings attached can be great and is the desire for most of us, it’s definitely a dangerous thing to get involved with. And although we may love to deny it, eventually we too can get caught up in our feelings and then it’s the whole “what do you do next” scenario, because it’s hard to tell what the other person is thinking when there was a mutual agreement made. Maybe the two of you are scared of speaking out the true feelings that you may have for each other, but if you do catch feelings, let it be known immediately! Holding them in will only end up in yours getting hurt and you being left disappointed.

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Unless you are sure you can handle it and you can make sure that she never see’s you as a potential lifetime partner, AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS!
But hold up, don’t get me wrong now, there have been relationships created from FWB situations. Although the agreement was to only have sex, both persons were able to find things in each other that they liked, the sex ended up being great and they were both very satisfied, conversations, then dates started to happen, and then BANG! The FWB contract was torn up and commitment became the new agreement…
Just know what you’re doing.

just friends

        You’ve heard it before, men and women can’t be friends without being sexually attracted to one another and depending on your relationship situation, you’re probably one who has made this statement. In some cases this is true. Feelings, we can’t get rid of them right? You’ve read this in my blog about “The Big Question”. Feelings are the one thing that as humans, we have no control of, they come with the situation. Now, when it comes to a man and a woman being friends, yes it is possible for two individuals of the opposite sex to have a “just friends” relationship, but how long does it last for being “just friends”?
There are instances where either one or the both of the individuals find each other attractive in either physical or mental, or both, and honestly, neither he nor she can control this. So what gets done about it? Well, they can choose to either do one of these three things, begin seeing each other, figure out how they can still be friends without letting their mutual attraction get in the way, or quit the friendship. It’s honestly a shame when a friendship has to end due to both friends being attracted to her but the reality is, the feelings of attraction can be difficult to control and eventually, emotions begin to rise and someone has to worry about getting their feelings hurt.
I once believed that friends who found each other attractive could still be friends while allowing the attractions to exist, without worrying about emotions ever becoming a threat, but then I learned. I learned that a woman’s feelings can never be shut down, and it’s only so long that a man can pretend that his doesn’t exist.
So does that mean that it’s impossible? No. It takes maturity, and it takes you being able to have the heart for whatever you choose to get yourself into. Now, what if it’s a different situation, what if he or she or both individuals are in a relationship, can two persons of the opposite sex be friends? Once again, it takes maturity, and it also takes having the respect for BOUNDARIES!
In order for two persons of the opposite sex to have a platonic relationship, while they are in a relationship, they have to SET BOUNDARIES!
Which goes as follows…                                                                                                                                 stock-illustration-8992543-greetings-man-gesturing-welcome-come-in
  1. State your intentions
    Never assume for the other person that they already know where you stand.
  2. If you know that it is hard for you to control your desires while you are with the person of the opposite sex, this case being the one who you are attracted to, for the respect of your partner, and for the other person as well, stay away from the “friendship”. Do not engage nor initiate it.
  3. No late night calls or txts’ during the booty call hours. This is any time after 10 pm. Yes, and for people in relationships, anything after 9 is against the law.
  4. No touchy feely! You two are aware of the attraction in the air. Skin to skin contact can lead to many inapropriate things which I do not have to name, so keep your hands to yourself brothers… And you too sisters, you’re not innocent in this.
  5. Make sure the other person is informed and understands these boundaries
  6. Know your limits (this is for the both of you)
    This doesn’t require a grocery list of things. You set boundaries by the way you speak to one another and the body language you use.
  7. Never step outside your boundaries even at the most tempting moments. Temptation exists, and for those who have seen Tyler Perry’s movie Temptation, you witnessed what temptation can even do to a “Christian” marriage.
  8. Avoid the what if’s
    Discussing what could’ve happened is sometime difficult to avoid, but talking about how it could or could’ve been is okay if both parties feel receptive to these emotions. What if you just want to be friends and that’s it? Discussing the, shoulda coulda woulda’s could lead to discomfort in the other person. Also remember, thoughts become things and your words can create actions, so too much of certain words can lead to the unintentional happening.
So back to the title that brought you here, Why Women and Men Can’t be “Just Friends”? It is indeed possible for two people of the opposite sex to have a strictly “just friends” relationship, but not everybody can handle it. So it’s only impossible, when keeping the boundaries for either the he or she persons involved, is impossible… I hope I’ve solved a question. Till next time, friends…

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